A sad loss today

So I am going to write today because all I want to do is cry, and I hate crying, just makes me tired!

Today a dear old friend went to be with the Lord today after fighting cancer, and my heart is just sad.  I haven't been close with Jesse in over 5 yrs as we went different ways in life, but Jesse is one of those guys/friends that he was just as warm and funny like you had just seen him yesterday!  Jesse and I went to elementary school together, church functions, camps, etc...him and his best friend Jeremy are the two people I have the most memories of from my elementary school days, and today I just keep thinking of them and all I can do is laugh! 

Jesse even back then was a strong guy, he knew what he knew, what he wanted and didnt mess around, and the most important thing in his life was His faith!! Even in his last days, in my last conversation with him about 2 weeks ago He knew God was taking care of him and that things would be ok no matter what!!  Wow, even while he was in a hospital going through his last chemo treatment in a hospital in Indy while his wife was in Colorado he was optimistic and knew that even through this God would get the glory!  And God does get the Glory because Jesse was a warrior for Him and I have a feeling that the people at the hospital know God in a new way because of him!

It is sad as this is the first friend that I have known that has died, I did have a classmate die a few years ago but I did not know her well or have a friendship like I did with Jesse, so it's weird to think I know now someone close to me that is my age, that has passed away.  Jesse wasn't even 30 yet and he had just celebrated his first anniversary with his wife, I don't know her but my heart aches for her and her family and Jesse's family and what they will experience in the next few months and what Rochelle will feel for the rest of her life.  I don't deal with death well even for people I don't know, I can't imagine what it is to live with it everyday.  Have a friend who recently lost his brother and I can't even begin to know what to say or express to him, sometimes I feel so stupid even trying, and as I sent an email just sending my sympathy to Rochelle tonight I felt like nothing was right but still felt like I should send it...at least she knows she's covered in prayer!

Jesus has him in his hands and I know he is safe from all pain and he has been fully restored and he is worshipping the King right now which is amazing and he has gained ALL today, and even though the world has lost a friend and light for the kingdom, Jesus has him and there's no better thing!!

I miss my friend Jesse but so excited to see him again when I get to heaven!!

Also this past week a Hero in the Faith Mrs. Freda (Mom) Lindsay passed away, she was the Co-founder of Christ for the Nations.  What a woman she was, yes I have lots of memories of her asking us to support the school for a new building, a new school overseas, etc...but her faith in what she did never caved, she knew what God called and asked of her, her worship was so...cute...I loved watching this little (short) woman stand on the platform and clap or dance and knew her heart was tuned and only set on God!! CFNI has a great legacy, it started with Gordon's dream and she supported, sweated, walked it out and thousands of lives are forever changed by this woman, mine included!!!  My life (even in a bad season) at CFNI really was the best time for me, and I'll never forget how my life was impacted by my time there!!  Mrs. Lindsay, we who were touched by you carry on the legacy and we will bring Christ to the Nations :)

Ok that is all for today!  Goodnight!

Rejoice!

I'm just having one of those bad weeks and today is just a personal bad day...I didnt want to wake up but thankfully I did and I started the day listening to a seminar at church which was amazing but now I am having a full blown bad girl day.  In the past hour I've put on 6 shirts on, 3 pairs of pants, tried flatironing my hair and I still am feeling ugly and fat...because my roomie is gone, I've screamed 3 times, slammed doors, etc...just mad...why do you ask, I havent a clue!  I have actually had a bad attitude since wed, mostly because of work but today its all inward...I really hate days when I am hating myself, it takes every ounce in me to look at myself from a different perspective, aka God's perspective.  And even as I write that I'm not there...I don't even want to try to be honest, yes this shall pass and probably in a little bit but I needed to just vent for a few mins...so I shall send this out and work it out...

A new chapter starting at my house!

Ok I have to just post because I said I was going to and I havent yet! :)

So its amazing how your life can change in just a week isn't it?  Just a week ago I thought that my roomie was going to be selling her house, and moving to Colorado, meaning I was going to have to find a new place, etc...part of me was freaking out but for the first time when something stressful was going on I was actually at peace!  Now, as I was preparing for the realtor to look at the house I was stressing to get all the cleaning out but other then that I was at peace.  But deep down I so was sad and not wanting to lose my roomie of the past two years who has been such a gift from God!!  Beth is the most patient, kindest, gentle, funny, determined, compassionate, so sold out for the Lord, woman! Living together the past 2 years has been such a breath of fresh air, I probably drive her crazy but it's been such a fun and peaceful time!!

Well after some crunching numbers my roomie decided it wasn't the wise choice to move at this time, but I had already started having conversations with my friend Meredith about getting an apartment, so she came over 1 week after Beth had told me of her plans, the night before Beth had told me of an obstacle in her way, but I was thinking, I still need to be prepared, so Mere came over and as we were looking Beth sent me a text (from the next room, haha we do that sometimes, its funny) telling me she was not going to move.  UH OH I thought, now what?  I REALLY did not want to leave this home that I've come to love the past 2 years, but didnt want to leave Meredith to fend for herself and thought it'd also be fun to live with her.  Well then Beth sends another text saying Meredith could live here too!  I thought that'd be great  but not sure she'd want that because it was further then what she had wanted to live, so I thought I will just put it in back of my mind.  Well after about 2 1/2 hrs of searching at apartments they all began to look the same and we couldn't find one that we totally agreed on, so we took a break.  Long subject short, the topic of Mere moving in got brought up and we discussed it with Beth and left with a new idea on the table.  

After some discussions it was decided that Meredith will be moving in with us in 2 weeks!!  YIPPEE!!  I think that it will be a good addition, yes it will take time to get used to having 3 people in the house but I'm looking forward to the change.  

It's pretty cool as I see the hand of God working, as HE has been doing something cool in the friendship between Meredith and I and this is just a new work! At first I was hesitant because before I moved in with Beth I had had an awful roomie situation with someone that I thought was a friend, but looking back on situation we really weren't what I thought we were but I DID NOT WANT that to happen again, but I know I am a different person and Meredith and I are pretty open and blunt on where we are, so I don't see it being a problem.  And Beth she is so gracious and just so easy to get along with, I see no problems (at least big ones, the only thing Beth and I argue about is about dishes..."stop doing my dishes" lol).

So there is a little story for yall (or at least my one follower!! haha), until next time, enjoy this beautiful day!  

Rejoice!

new year, new posts coming soon

hello blogger world, i have not visted you in a long time...im going to start blogging more often here, change my page, etc...so keep an eye out world, i have a lot to say and share, so watch out! :)

The Father's Heart

Ah, a day off from work in the middle of the week is fantastic!!! :) Im sitting here with my itunes playing, finishing my lifegroup material, going over my spending report to figure out how Im going to pay for a new car :) and about to spend a little time with the Father, but thought Id write a little first =)

So much is going on in my head these days, I feel like its spinning sometimes...not necessarily a bad spinning, but some stress there for sure.

I see God placing some big things on my plate these days, and its been great to experience some of what Gods calling on my life is...but its scary because I tend to still hold cards to my chest and whip them out and be like: (enter in conversation between God and I) remember God I did this, I said this, I went here, I;'m such a bad christian, couldn't possibly want to give me that, have me do THAT!! Lord there's so much I struggle with, so much I have held on to and not giving YOU control...how could you possibly want me?!! I really hate playing these situations back in my head, reminds me of how much I have to learn, experience, surrender...but then it always gets me to the place where slowly one thing at a time is getting laid down before HIM and I get another piece of the puzzle filled and its AMAZING!!! I'm truly in AWE when I think back on what God has done in my life, where my whole life is a testimony to his grace and mercy!! I have been given so much in these areas, Im finally learning to really sit back and see it all, I wish sometimes you could really get it while in the moment because you would look for it so much more, but being a co-leader now in lifegroup has really shown me and teaching me to really look for it more in the everyday things!

Speaking of lifegroup, I am totally blown away by what God has done in the 5 weeks since we began meeting. I wasn't really sure what to expect because it was mostly people that I know pretty well and I wasn't sure what God was going to do with me being in a position of leadership, but boy was I not ready (in a good way)!! Tonight is the 5th week and our group has grown from 5 to 12 and all 12 of us have such awesome and unique stories that are just beginning to come out, we all are different in so many ways, but its been awesome to see more sides of everyone and really being able to share the power of God in our lives. There's no doubt that the people I hang out with have loved the Lord and know him, but sometimes we get so focused on having fun together, laughing, eating, just doing FUN stuff we tend to forget the real reason we were brought together to be friends, and thats to grow and encourage one another in the FATHER. To have this outlet with the girls now is a different playing field and I'm so honored to have a seat and watch it play out. There's girls who have gone through so much pain, loss, confusion, and unique situations, and yet they are so strong and beautiful, I am so in AWE of how God does it...all I can say is Im blessed to know these woman and so excited to see where God takes us next...

Im glad I can just blab on and on...theres something about writing for me that really is cleansing...who will read this i dont know, what will they think...i really dont care :) not to be offensive because I do want to know what people are thinking not necessarily about MY feelings but what I write, what does it make THEM feel, think about...you know the deal =) if I didnt really care I wouldnt share, I know I have a voice and a heart to touch people, a big HEART of GOD...

That brings me to a summer night in Aug I believe of 06, I was attending the last summer gathering at a friends house when NEXUS at Gateway was still active...we were done singing The Stand by Hillsong and it was quiet and we were just praying and I got a word from the Lord and had to write it down, I go back to it frequently and just as I wrote HEART of GOD he brought it back to mind...sometimes I wonder why I CARE so much about what people think, feel, going through, how in times when I am very low the Lord will bring people that need me and somehow I am able to reach out and extend, care, love, compassion, etc...and the reason I am able to is how the Lord told me: "Your love and compassion comes from my own heart, you are my daughter, therefore you know your FATHER and His heart because you have it." What a thought!! I have my FATHER's heart!!! And because I know it, and I have it, I can give it to others...what a miracle that is!!! I am not perfect by any means and dont try to come off like I know more or I am better, and it hurts sometimes when people dont really see my heart behind why I do certain things...my ultimate desire is to be Godly, show and extend love, grace, mercy, joy, compassion, all the attributes that my Heavenly Father has and has given to me!!

There are areas where I struggle deeply and areas that I need to grow more in, and if theres that opportunity where I can help people as well I want to share that...in no means if I have done this in a way that didnt communicate that, I am sorry to you who I may have hurt!! I am human and sometimes can be judgemental and dont mean to be but its a quality that I know is ugly and most of the time my intention isnt to be but could be taken that way, so I pray that God would reveal to me the times that this could be the case and to not do it again...but to those who might read this and you did take it as an offense, my deepest, sincerest apologizes! My heart is only to do what the FATHER's heart is!!!

Ok, so I dont know where all that came from and Im sorry if it became too long and rambled...just typing from my heart (does that make sense? haha).

That is it from this REAL me today!!

I pray all that read this are well and will take a moment to ask the LORD so show them HIS heart today in a situation in their life!!

Loved from Him!

Hello to my blogging!

Because I really express myself more through writing im starting this blogspot to do a little more of that!! Please feel free to write me, comment, give me ideas, all are welcome!

Have a blessed day!

~Kris