A Beautiful Process

Well this entry tonight I promise will not be as down and angry as the last one ;) and for my friend who thought he'd have to wait another year and a half for a new post, you shall be happy that you were wrong ;) to those that commented on the last one, thank you for your love and support, I am so grateful.

First I will have to say this these past two weeks since my last post have been hard, I have had lots of conversations with God, myself, friends, explaining that I have been lost and confused and angry that I don't know where I am going...its not been an easy two weeks thats for sure!!

But thankfully for some dear friends that have not let me walk this alone, I have gotten some great perspective and a picture of what has really been going on, and I can say its part of a beautiful process (thanks Shay for that wording, it has resinated in me!!)!


Even today the Lord used some friends to once again to confirm to me that He is proud of me for being obedient and trusting him, and one conversation came from someone I never even imagined it coming from, some prayers from 2 sweet friends and along with Pastor Robert's message made for a sweet morning!!


I had all of these thoughts about what I thought this process was supposed to look like and all of it was MY process not God's so...I am once again at a place of surrender, I don't want to be the child trying to get out of my daddy's arms to do what I want to do/feel I should be doing, I want Him to just hold me, love on me, sing over me, talk with me, and just hear His heart beat, and there I will find what He has for me.


My friend thanked Him today for this beautiful process He has me on, and as I was thinking on this thought this afternoon, He reminded me that I AM A BEAUTIFUL PROCESS!!!  My life has had lots of junk in it and I've been a mess, but HE has come to sculpt me into a beautiful piece of art in every area, and yes its a process until I am reunited with Him when He comes to take me home with Him, but in no means do I have to live this process as a broken, ugly mess as satan would like, but I can be beautiful as I am hearing Him, surrendering, and obeying Him!!  I have come a long way since first putting my life in His hands at the age of 8, and boy do I have a long way to go, but I am beautiful just the same ;)


So I will say this, that if you wonder what I am doing, or where I am going at the moment, I am right where my DADDY wants me, and thats in His arms, and that's the only place to be in this season! 


A few verses that have been a reminder for me that I shall leave you with tonight:

Psalm 34:8
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!

Psalm 34: 10
The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.


Psalm 34:22
The Lord redeems the soul of His servants.  And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.


Psalm 33:20, 21
Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.
For our hearts shall rejoice in Him, because we have trusted in His holy name.

God where are You?!!

Today I was hoping that since it was a "holiday" that I could take the day off and not really think about the reality all around me...I am unemployed and need a job, need to provide for my necessities, pay my bills, give my contribution to labor and taxes, etc...but even in the midst of laying around, running some errands and watching tv, the thoughts SCREAMED from my brain.  I tried to ignore them, and was justifying my day constantly, then my sweet and concerned roomie began to question me, and I began to feel attacked...began to shut down, how do I answer her questions when I haven't a clue how to answer them, where to begin, but explain that I've thought about all of these questions, and I have made effort, but all I can do is answer her with one word, NO or I don't know...and the whole time I'm asking in my head, God where are You?!!  My roomie was trying to be loving, and encouraging, and concerned, and I'm grateful for her, but today was one of those days that I just didn't want to hear or answer, when I really don't know the answers. It's so hard to explain to people where I am going, or planning on what I am doing, when I really haven't a clue...part of me wants to say "Ask God, because I don't know, I am only in this place because God told me to quit", but that seems like I am blaming God and by no means am I blaming Him, I just know that I heard Him say it was time to move on, and He is going to take care of me. That's all I have to go on right now, because it's all He has given me. I know He is stretching me and teaching me to REALLY trust Him in every area, but it's so hard because I feel like I am needing to reinvent myself for something I don't even know I am reinventing for.  

People just don't get when I say that I feel like I can't do anything, and how CRUSHING it is when I am looking at postings, and looking at REQUIREMENTS (not just what the job will be) and 99% of them I AM NOT qualified to even apply for, yet people say I just have to do it and try, put myself out there.  I know that people are only trying to help, but I am sorry it doesn't help me, it actually makes me feel worse, even as I write this I am brought to tears because it hurts.  Today I really feel like God is just forgetting about me, or laughing at me because of the dreams I have, saying, poor child, doesn't she know she can't do any of those things?  How sad is that, yet its the screaming echo in my head...you cant do anything, you will never succeed, you will never be happy, you will never...the list continues...

Truthfully, it was so very nice that while I was home, I didn't think about job searching at all, I focused on spending time with my sister, niece and nephew and what precious time that was, and reconnected with a dear friend, I am so glad that once again God proved that we are forever friends, my sweet time with my amazing friend who never ceases to make me laugh even at 1230 in the morning and confirms how He really did bring us together and kept us as friends, and a reunion of old childhood friends!  I have missed being able to spend time with people, being a nanny has taken so much of my time away from people, its nice having this time to do that.  Also having the time with my niece and nephew showed me how important my family really is to me, and how I must make them a priority in my life, which was one of my prayers when I left on my trip...but then that brought up even more screaming thoughts that I won't share, but leaves me again asking God where are You?!  

But even as I write this, I have another question that is asked in my heart as soon as I finish asking Him where He is, He is asking " Do you TRUST ME Kristy?" I want to think I am trusting Him, but I have everything in the natural saying that I need to be doing something, I need to have something tangible to hang on to, I must do this,  I must do that...so when I am praying I feel that strength, that excitement, that unknown but peace...but once I am not in that place, fear, doubt, the questions, the lies hit me...where do you go from there?  There's times where I go right back to the place where I say " I choose not to be weary, I choose not to listen to you Satan, I am going to rejoice and trust YOU God" but there's times like today, I just don't have it in me to fight back....I am being pretty open on my thoughts here (but ok, when am I not when I blog, ha?!) but today I just want to throw in the towel, to just give up, to run away...but I know I can't do that, and deep down I really don't want to.  But its hard...it's lonely...it's scary...it's ugly...it's reality...so God where are You? 

I know I have a purpose and know that everything is for a reason (hello, its why my number 1 strength is connectedness, lol) I am just struggling to find what that is.  I know that God has plans for me and He has only GOOD for me, its just hard to see right now...I know that I did what I was supposed to, and 99% of the time I don't regret leaving my job, but there's that 1% where I think it would have been easier to stay where I was...but I also know the freedom I have felt for the past 2 weeks and part of that freedom is because of complete obedience and nothing can replace that feeling of freedom!!!  So even when I am asking God where He is, I am knowing He is with me, because only true freedom comes from HIM and HIM alone!!!

SO, even among the fear, the tears, the pain, I will choose to Praise Him, Thank Him, Seek Him, Believe He is for me, not against me, Believe He means what He says, Believe that nothing is impossible for Him!!

A sad loss today

So I am going to write today because all I want to do is cry, and I hate crying, just makes me tired!

Today a dear old friend went to be with the Lord today after fighting cancer, and my heart is just sad.  I haven't been close with Jesse in over 5 yrs as we went different ways in life, but Jesse is one of those guys/friends that he was just as warm and funny like you had just seen him yesterday!  Jesse and I went to elementary school together, church functions, camps, etc...him and his best friend Jeremy are the two people I have the most memories of from my elementary school days, and today I just keep thinking of them and all I can do is laugh! 

Jesse even back then was a strong guy, he knew what he knew, what he wanted and didnt mess around, and the most important thing in his life was His faith!! Even in his last days, in my last conversation with him about 2 weeks ago He knew God was taking care of him and that things would be ok no matter what!!  Wow, even while he was in a hospital going through his last chemo treatment in a hospital in Indy while his wife was in Colorado he was optimistic and knew that even through this God would get the glory!  And God does get the Glory because Jesse was a warrior for Him and I have a feeling that the people at the hospital know God in a new way because of him!

It is sad as this is the first friend that I have known that has died, I did have a classmate die a few years ago but I did not know her well or have a friendship like I did with Jesse, so it's weird to think I know now someone close to me that is my age, that has passed away.  Jesse wasn't even 30 yet and he had just celebrated his first anniversary with his wife, I don't know her but my heart aches for her and her family and Jesse's family and what they will experience in the next few months and what Rochelle will feel for the rest of her life.  I don't deal with death well even for people I don't know, I can't imagine what it is to live with it everyday.  Have a friend who recently lost his brother and I can't even begin to know what to say or express to him, sometimes I feel so stupid even trying, and as I sent an email just sending my sympathy to Rochelle tonight I felt like nothing was right but still felt like I should send it...at least she knows she's covered in prayer!

Jesus has him in his hands and I know he is safe from all pain and he has been fully restored and he is worshipping the King right now which is amazing and he has gained ALL today, and even though the world has lost a friend and light for the kingdom, Jesus has him and there's no better thing!!

I miss my friend Jesse but so excited to see him again when I get to heaven!!

Also this past week a Hero in the Faith Mrs. Freda (Mom) Lindsay passed away, she was the Co-founder of Christ for the Nations.  What a woman she was, yes I have lots of memories of her asking us to support the school for a new building, a new school overseas, etc...but her faith in what she did never caved, she knew what God called and asked of her, her worship was so...cute...I loved watching this little (short) woman stand on the platform and clap or dance and knew her heart was tuned and only set on God!! CFNI has a great legacy, it started with Gordon's dream and she supported, sweated, walked it out and thousands of lives are forever changed by this woman, mine included!!!  My life (even in a bad season) at CFNI really was the best time for me, and I'll never forget how my life was impacted by my time there!!  Mrs. Lindsay, we who were touched by you carry on the legacy and we will bring Christ to the Nations :)

Ok that is all for today!  Goodnight!

Rejoice!

I'm just having one of those bad weeks and today is just a personal bad day...I didnt want to wake up but thankfully I did and I started the day listening to a seminar at church which was amazing but now I am having a full blown bad girl day.  In the past hour I've put on 6 shirts on, 3 pairs of pants, tried flatironing my hair and I still am feeling ugly and fat...because my roomie is gone, I've screamed 3 times, slammed doors, etc...just mad...why do you ask, I havent a clue!  I have actually had a bad attitude since wed, mostly because of work but today its all inward...I really hate days when I am hating myself, it takes every ounce in me to look at myself from a different perspective, aka God's perspective.  And even as I write that I'm not there...I don't even want to try to be honest, yes this shall pass and probably in a little bit but I needed to just vent for a few mins...so I shall send this out and work it out...

A new chapter starting at my house!

Ok I have to just post because I said I was going to and I havent yet! :)

So its amazing how your life can change in just a week isn't it?  Just a week ago I thought that my roomie was going to be selling her house, and moving to Colorado, meaning I was going to have to find a new place, etc...part of me was freaking out but for the first time when something stressful was going on I was actually at peace!  Now, as I was preparing for the realtor to look at the house I was stressing to get all the cleaning out but other then that I was at peace.  But deep down I so was sad and not wanting to lose my roomie of the past two years who has been such a gift from God!!  Beth is the most patient, kindest, gentle, funny, determined, compassionate, so sold out for the Lord, woman! Living together the past 2 years has been such a breath of fresh air, I probably drive her crazy but it's been such a fun and peaceful time!!

Well after some crunching numbers my roomie decided it wasn't the wise choice to move at this time, but I had already started having conversations with my friend Meredith about getting an apartment, so she came over 1 week after Beth had told me of her plans, the night before Beth had told me of an obstacle in her way, but I was thinking, I still need to be prepared, so Mere came over and as we were looking Beth sent me a text (from the next room, haha we do that sometimes, its funny) telling me she was not going to move.  UH OH I thought, now what?  I REALLY did not want to leave this home that I've come to love the past 2 years, but didnt want to leave Meredith to fend for herself and thought it'd also be fun to live with her.  Well then Beth sends another text saying Meredith could live here too!  I thought that'd be great  but not sure she'd want that because it was further then what she had wanted to live, so I thought I will just put it in back of my mind.  Well after about 2 1/2 hrs of searching at apartments they all began to look the same and we couldn't find one that we totally agreed on, so we took a break.  Long subject short, the topic of Mere moving in got brought up and we discussed it with Beth and left with a new idea on the table.  

After some discussions it was decided that Meredith will be moving in with us in 2 weeks!!  YIPPEE!!  I think that it will be a good addition, yes it will take time to get used to having 3 people in the house but I'm looking forward to the change.  

It's pretty cool as I see the hand of God working, as HE has been doing something cool in the friendship between Meredith and I and this is just a new work! At first I was hesitant because before I moved in with Beth I had had an awful roomie situation with someone that I thought was a friend, but looking back on situation we really weren't what I thought we were but I DID NOT WANT that to happen again, but I know I am a different person and Meredith and I are pretty open and blunt on where we are, so I don't see it being a problem.  And Beth she is so gracious and just so easy to get along with, I see no problems (at least big ones, the only thing Beth and I argue about is about dishes..."stop doing my dishes" lol).

So there is a little story for yall (or at least my one follower!! haha), until next time, enjoy this beautiful day!  

Rejoice!

new year, new posts coming soon

hello blogger world, i have not visted you in a long time...im going to start blogging more often here, change my page, etc...so keep an eye out world, i have a lot to say and share, so watch out! :)