Ok time for my bi-annual rant...hahaha just kidding...sort of. I don't get on here often so the bi-annual was the part I was kidding about.
So publically I never announced I QUIT my job, but most people around me knew...it was scary yet so needed. And funny story one of the other teachers that I worked closely with (she worked there 9 yrs) just called me and told me she had put her notice in a few days or so after I did!! Crazy, but makes me feel better knowing it wasn't all in my head about how bad it really was. This blog isn't about the job, but let me tell you it sure did bring every ugly, insecurity issue that I have and let me tell you I didn't like who I was looking at every morning in the mirror.
Now this blog today IS to share about how those issues were trying to eat me alive, as I am home alone for over a week and let me tell you extended periods of time alone for me are DANGEROUS!!
I had a crying and a pretty harsh talk with the Lord this morning about everything I HATE in my life, mostly what I hate about me...I won't share everything but let me tell you in the past 3 days the enemy has thrown some pretty fiery darts at me to really get me to fall...and this afternoon I did. I won't obviously say what it was, but let me tell you its an issue that I have not had any issues with for over 2 years but I believe because I allowed myself to be vulnerable and honest with the Lord the enemy had to find a new tactic...grr...really just makes me mad. NOW Im not gonna say he MADE me do anything but let me tell you he distracted me and now I will have to pay the consequence...but at the same time I am almost relieved that I have gotten to this bottom because I can start over...I've repented, I've shared my heart with the Lord and now I have nothing in the way of just going after him and that's it.
I am hoping that in this time that I might search and find some roots to why I think the way I do...find what has caused me to struggle with the same issues over and over and over and over...
Why am I never enough for people?
Why am I never truly accepted for ME?
Why do I feel I will be only accepted when I do stuff for people?
Why am I the one that seems to be on the outside of groups?
What about me makes people not want to truly be my friend?
Why don't I have dreams?
Why can't I dream? (for myself)
Why do I get overlooked?
Why do I let insecurity choke me in groups of people I don't know?
Some pretty deep stuff huh? Yeah it's hard to breathe sometimes just thinking about it...but I truly long for freedom so I can really enjoy living...I just feel like I just exist to exist most of the time. In the words of a dear man I long for this: To be celebrated, not just tolerated...that how I feel, people just tolerate me and I don't know why...and wish for it to be different. I NEED it to be different...I HAVE to have it different...
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
New Year, New ME
Well 2011 is here, how is it 2011 already? Man the past 10 years have flown, where did they go?
Well 2011 has started very well but a lot already packed into 18 days!! It was wonderful that I got to start 2011 praying in the new year, and I started it alone and I think this is going to be a theme for 2011...I'm learning/seeing that I've leaned on people way too often and it keeps me from leaning on HIM! But it really was a great thing to sit in my bed that night and pray and worship for the longest amount of time that I've done in a long time, I am usually a quick prayer and a self-centered prayer at that matter...not that I only pray stuff for ME but I do all the talking, God please do this for me, do this for them, open this, shut this, always asking please but I don't think I am really asking and I definately don't always wait for Him to answer. SO that night I just took time to really just praise Him, worship Him, thank Him, speak about His attributes and then I shut up, and I didn't end that time with a whole big download of what He had to say but I went to sleep really thinking I just had quality time with my best friend!! It was incredible. Now, I am in a fast and can I say I've done that again? No but trust me, we've had time together and boy has it been quality because He's unlocking some pretty powerful, deep, but hard stuff! And some of that hard stuff baby do I welcome, its about time I get some junk dealt with and I haven't had my finger on what needed to be dealt with, but I knew in my spirit that I did!! SO that's what He has been doing and revealing. I won't go into detail because I don't need the whole world knowing the inner parts of my heart and life, but I think that maybe if someone happens to stumble upon this and read it they might just know exactly what I talking about...
My entire life I have dealt with rejection, feeling inadquate, not pretty enough, not smart enough, popluar, you think it, I've probably thought it... because of these feelings I have operated in fear therefore I've never really tried many things because I have felt I couldn't do them because I didn't complete the checklist, so even if it was one tiny area, nope I couldn't try, I couldn't do it!! Man have I probably missed some big moments because of that...but because of my strengths (weaknesses at same time) I know that everything happens for a reason, but we do have a free-will, I chose to not take those routes...do I think life could've been a little easier? HECK YES! But then on the other side I know that the routes I did take, took me to some pretty important moments and experiences that I wouldn't trade...so does get me to today. I've always thought that my thoughts of feeling afraid of things was the problem, but in the shower, (GOD's favorite spot to speak to me, probably because it's the only time I shut up, relax, stop and He can have my undivided attention! haha!!) He revealed to me that the root of those fears that I operate in is because I feel like I am not wanted. Period. No one. Wants. Me. WOW! I knew rejection was something that I just dealt with but I never really thought about the impact it really had on every area in my life. Including my relationship with God, I was afraid that if I didn't do something right, that if He gave me a blessing and I messed up, He wouldn't want me and leave me and take it back. Now in my head and my heart that this is a lie but when you operate in wounds (I know where the wound is from and the root as He revealed it, but that is the part I shall leave out) and then the bondage that comes from not dealing with the wound, your spirit just lives there until its dealt with. So because I truly had not even been aware of the root I lived in the cycle over and over, and because of the season I've been in for the past 4 1/2 months, I has guided every step I have taken or not taken. When you live there it's easy to take up a false identity, for me it was that I was JUST a nanny/babysitter, I had no other value than that, I could do nothing other than that, and if I failed or didn't do that, I'd have no place, no one would want me, no one really wanted to be my friend. What an awful place to be, and what an awful thing I was placing upon the people in my life that I know DO LOVE ME and see me more than that, but as the saying goes, someone (something) tells you something for so long, you begin to just believe it, so I had been listening to Satan lie to me over and over and reflected that onto other situations and people along the way!! UGH, how do you not feel crappy after that? Thankful there's grace and His grace is covering that, but I do have some asking for forgiveness from some people! :)
So now, I'm at a place where I have to change my outlook on life and really ask what filter am I looking through? I have been this way for so long that I know this is not going to be an easy and short walk, but I am really ready to find out who I am, who God really made me, to find what fills my heart with passion more than ever before. He is so good, that even as He is weeding and pruning He is filling my heart with such joy and excitement that I have not experienced in so long, so even in the unknowing and walking out I can be confident that HE is good and has my best interest only.
I mentioned at the beginning that I feel a theme is alone, and I do believe thats true, I believe that I need to really just need to be alone with the ONE that only matters, if I can't see that HE wants me, how am I going to really believe that anyone else does? I need to let Him work on what HE needs to so that He gets the glory! But that doesn't mean I am going to isolate myself which I have a tendency to because its been easier to be alone so I don't have to put myself in a place to get rejected...not thats not a road I want to go down again...but I do know that I need to be surrounding myself with people who are seeking hard after Him, not just people who have fun or make me feel good, again I don't need to lean on people, because it brings hurt and unreasonable expectations...nope I just need to be around people that can inspire me to be the best vessel I can for HIM!!!
I could probably go on for hours but that's what my personal journal is for, haha!!
But as I end this, I want to challenge you today, (even if its one person who reads this) that if God is leading you to deal with some junk or that even you feel like He's wanting to do something in you, be open and let Him, He might just reveal something to you that makes your whole life finally begin to make sense...I know I'm not fully there but I do know that it helps to know now why I think the way I do and how it affects everything in my life!! So ask the Lord today, what are you wanting to reveal to me that will reveal who YOU are in my life? The answer might just be a game changer, a LIFE changer! :)
Love and blessings :)
~Kristy Lee
Well 2011 has started very well but a lot already packed into 18 days!! It was wonderful that I got to start 2011 praying in the new year, and I started it alone and I think this is going to be a theme for 2011...I'm learning/seeing that I've leaned on people way too often and it keeps me from leaning on HIM! But it really was a great thing to sit in my bed that night and pray and worship for the longest amount of time that I've done in a long time, I am usually a quick prayer and a self-centered prayer at that matter...not that I only pray stuff for ME but I do all the talking, God please do this for me, do this for them, open this, shut this, always asking please but I don't think I am really asking and I definately don't always wait for Him to answer. SO that night I just took time to really just praise Him, worship Him, thank Him, speak about His attributes and then I shut up, and I didn't end that time with a whole big download of what He had to say but I went to sleep really thinking I just had quality time with my best friend!! It was incredible. Now, I am in a fast and can I say I've done that again? No but trust me, we've had time together and boy has it been quality because He's unlocking some pretty powerful, deep, but hard stuff! And some of that hard stuff baby do I welcome, its about time I get some junk dealt with and I haven't had my finger on what needed to be dealt with, but I knew in my spirit that I did!! SO that's what He has been doing and revealing. I won't go into detail because I don't need the whole world knowing the inner parts of my heart and life, but I think that maybe if someone happens to stumble upon this and read it they might just know exactly what I talking about...
My entire life I have dealt with rejection, feeling inadquate, not pretty enough, not smart enough, popluar, you think it, I've probably thought it... because of these feelings I have operated in fear therefore I've never really tried many things because I have felt I couldn't do them because I didn't complete the checklist, so even if it was one tiny area, nope I couldn't try, I couldn't do it!! Man have I probably missed some big moments because of that...but because of my strengths (weaknesses at same time) I know that everything happens for a reason, but we do have a free-will, I chose to not take those routes...do I think life could've been a little easier? HECK YES! But then on the other side I know that the routes I did take, took me to some pretty important moments and experiences that I wouldn't trade...so does get me to today. I've always thought that my thoughts of feeling afraid of things was the problem, but in the shower, (GOD's favorite spot to speak to me, probably because it's the only time I shut up, relax, stop and He can have my undivided attention! haha!!) He revealed to me that the root of those fears that I operate in is because I feel like I am not wanted. Period. No one. Wants. Me. WOW! I knew rejection was something that I just dealt with but I never really thought about the impact it really had on every area in my life. Including my relationship with God, I was afraid that if I didn't do something right, that if He gave me a blessing and I messed up, He wouldn't want me and leave me and take it back. Now in my head and my heart that this is a lie but when you operate in wounds (I know where the wound is from and the root as He revealed it, but that is the part I shall leave out) and then the bondage that comes from not dealing with the wound, your spirit just lives there until its dealt with. So because I truly had not even been aware of the root I lived in the cycle over and over, and because of the season I've been in for the past 4 1/2 months, I has guided every step I have taken or not taken. When you live there it's easy to take up a false identity, for me it was that I was JUST a nanny/babysitter, I had no other value than that, I could do nothing other than that, and if I failed or didn't do that, I'd have no place, no one would want me, no one really wanted to be my friend. What an awful place to be, and what an awful thing I was placing upon the people in my life that I know DO LOVE ME and see me more than that, but as the saying goes, someone (something) tells you something for so long, you begin to just believe it, so I had been listening to Satan lie to me over and over and reflected that onto other situations and people along the way!! UGH, how do you not feel crappy after that? Thankful there's grace and His grace is covering that, but I do have some asking for forgiveness from some people! :)
So now, I'm at a place where I have to change my outlook on life and really ask what filter am I looking through? I have been this way for so long that I know this is not going to be an easy and short walk, but I am really ready to find out who I am, who God really made me, to find what fills my heart with passion more than ever before. He is so good, that even as He is weeding and pruning He is filling my heart with such joy and excitement that I have not experienced in so long, so even in the unknowing and walking out I can be confident that HE is good and has my best interest only.
I mentioned at the beginning that I feel a theme is alone, and I do believe thats true, I believe that I need to really just need to be alone with the ONE that only matters, if I can't see that HE wants me, how am I going to really believe that anyone else does? I need to let Him work on what HE needs to so that He gets the glory! But that doesn't mean I am going to isolate myself which I have a tendency to because its been easier to be alone so I don't have to put myself in a place to get rejected...not thats not a road I want to go down again...but I do know that I need to be surrounding myself with people who are seeking hard after Him, not just people who have fun or make me feel good, again I don't need to lean on people, because it brings hurt and unreasonable expectations...nope I just need to be around people that can inspire me to be the best vessel I can for HIM!!!
I could probably go on for hours but that's what my personal journal is for, haha!!
But as I end this, I want to challenge you today, (even if its one person who reads this) that if God is leading you to deal with some junk or that even you feel like He's wanting to do something in you, be open and let Him, He might just reveal something to you that makes your whole life finally begin to make sense...I know I'm not fully there but I do know that it helps to know now why I think the way I do and how it affects everything in my life!! So ask the Lord today, what are you wanting to reveal to me that will reveal who YOU are in my life? The answer might just be a game changer, a LIFE changer! :)
Love and blessings :)
~Kristy Lee
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