WHY?!

Ok time for my bi-annual rant...hahaha just kidding...sort of.  I don't get on here often so the bi-annual was the part I was kidding about.
So publically I never announced I QUIT my job, but most people around me knew...it was scary yet so needed.  And funny story one of the other teachers that I worked closely with (she worked there 9 yrs) just called me and told me she had put her notice in a few days or so after I did!! Crazy, but makes me feel better knowing it wasn't all in my head about how bad it really was.  This blog isn't about the job, but let me tell you it sure did bring every ugly, insecurity issue that I have and let me tell you I didn't like who I was looking at every morning in the mirror.

Now this blog today IS to share about how those issues were trying to eat me alive, as I am home alone for over a week and let me tell you extended periods of time alone for me are DANGEROUS!! 
I had a crying and a pretty harsh talk with the Lord this morning about everything I HATE in my life, mostly what I hate about me...I won't share everything but let me tell you in the past 3 days the enemy has thrown some pretty fiery darts at me to really get me to fall...and this afternoon I did.  I won't obviously say what it was, but let me tell you its an issue that I have not had any issues with for over 2 years but I believe because I allowed myself to be vulnerable and honest with the Lord the enemy had to find a new tactic...grr...really just makes me mad. NOW Im not gonna say he MADE me do anything but let me tell you he distracted me and now I will have to pay the consequence...but at the same time I am almost relieved that I have gotten to this bottom because I can start over...I've repented, I've shared my heart with the Lord and now I have nothing in the way of just going after him and that's it.

I am hoping that in this time that I might search and find some roots to why I think the way I do...find what has caused me to struggle with the same issues over and over and over and over...
Why am I never enough for people?
Why am I never truly accepted for ME?
Why do I feel I will be only accepted when I do stuff for people?
Why am I the one that seems to be on the outside of groups?
What about me makes people not want to truly be my friend?
Why don't I have dreams?
Why can't I dream? (for myself)
Why do I get overlooked?
Why do I let insecurity choke me in groups of people I don't know?


Some pretty deep stuff huh?  Yeah it's hard to breathe sometimes just thinking about it...but I truly long for freedom so I can really enjoy living...I just feel like I just exist to exist most of the time. In the words of a dear man I long for this: To be celebrated, not just tolerated...that how I feel, people just tolerate me and I don't know why...and wish for it to be different.  I NEED it to be different...I HAVE to have it different...