A new heart

So this morning was just thinking about my past and somethings the Lord is walking me through healing and freedom in.  When I think of the key issue that has kept my heart so bound it gets me quite emotional, which for me is nothing new to be emotional, and sometimes I just shut down because I don't want to get emotional.  But today is a day that the emotion is all I can function in, so it's time to write.  

I don't share a lot of my life with people because of one word: REJECTION...this word has seared my heart for as long as I can think back, and a word closely associated with it: ABANDONMENT.  These words have wrapped around my heart, every surface, every crevice, and it has burned the outer layer of my heart which has left it tender and fragile. BUT the Lord gave me a picture this morning that I am trying to process the full picture but I am going to paint the picture for you:

The Lord took my heart in his hand and he began to smooth his hand over my heart, and as He did this my heart in that spot became smooth and bright red. As I looked closer, He was placing The Blood over my heart, and the blood began to flood in every crevice of my heart.  I began to see in the Spirit that The Blood was beginning to fill every place of my heart, began to unlock and open every door that I had shut because of hurt, fear, rejection, the Blood began to open dreams that I had either chose to die, someone had crushed, or dreams I didn't even know could exist in me! The Blood began to to form a new, perfect RED, unburned, untarnished, lively, fully functioning HEART!  But He also was making it someone else's heart...which I will explain what that means in a minute!

As some of you know I am walking through a season of having a very sick mother, who essentially is on her death bed, and trust me NOTHING prepares you for this.  A lot of insecurities, lies, fears have began to resurface in the past 2 months, it has not been an easy journey that is for sure, but I am grateful that the Lord is beginning to turn ashes into beauty!  My parents (well my mom for sure) did the best they could, in the way they knew how...but as a sweet friend spoke over me, they did not know how to steward me in the way the Lord intended, intentionally or not.  The biggest issue with this came from my dad, and to say I have father wounds would be an understatement, but I am beginning to see where God was in all of that.   I'm not going to go into detail about how my dad hurt me, but I am convinced many people can relate that they have wounds from the parents that have deeply wounded their heart and probably have a heart that looks like mine, burned, locked up, hurting, bleeding out, etc...some of you may have had great parents but have people you love, cared for, invested in, hurt you deeply and probably have places too that are burned.  Everyone can relate on some form, but the good news is that God, that our Abba Father can touch your heart just like He is touching mine, making it new!!!  

But I think the biggest issue that all can relate in wounded hearts is that we just want to belong, want to know we are wanted! Well that is exactly what God is doing when He takes our heart in His hand and begins to heal it, He is not only healing it, He is making our heart HIS!!!  Which means that I am HIS!!!!  I know this is such a simple concept, but I have always had a hard time, because I have never really felt like I belong...to anyone or anything.  But I am beginning to believe and see that I have not believed THE TRUTH!  I am My Daddy's Girl...and for some of you this might resonate in you strongly, some may be an earthly Daddy's Girl (and I'm slightly jealous of that), but some of you really need to know and believe that you are your Heavenly Daddy's Girl!  There are two pictures that the Lord speaks to me when He speaks to me about me:  first is a little 6 yr old girl, twirling in a field of my most favorite flowers, walking hand in hand with Jesus (and just this morning did I realize that this was my picture of being My Daddy's Girl!!), and that when He describes me as BEAUTIFUL (another concept I have yet to truly grasp spiritually and physically but getting there!!), He always shows me as Princess, that I am royalty and which is cool since my name means Anointed One and royalty comes with anointing, and I am adorned in beautiful sashes and my beautiful crown...all how a DADDY would see His little girl!  And just like any good parent would, they do not like to see their child hurt by anything or anyone and would want to help make them feel better...so today I want and feel compelled to share as the Lord is walking me through this process, that your Daddy wants to make better, not to just kiss the boo-boos (forgive me, oldest kid of 5, nanny since I was 19, live in a house with 6 amazing kiddos, my life is kid speak a lot of the time hehehehe) away but wants to HEAL all the hurts, pains and give your wounded, burned, hurting, locked up heart, a heart transplant, He wants to give you a NEW HEART, HIS!!  

So I leave you with one last picture today, would you just surrender to that child in you, hold your arms up like a little child wanting to be picked up by their Daddy, and ask your Daddy to pick you up and begin to give you the new heart He wants to give you?

WHY?!

Ok time for my bi-annual rant...hahaha just kidding...sort of.  I don't get on here often so the bi-annual was the part I was kidding about.
So publically I never announced I QUIT my job, but most people around me knew...it was scary yet so needed.  And funny story one of the other teachers that I worked closely with (she worked there 9 yrs) just called me and told me she had put her notice in a few days or so after I did!! Crazy, but makes me feel better knowing it wasn't all in my head about how bad it really was.  This blog isn't about the job, but let me tell you it sure did bring every ugly, insecurity issue that I have and let me tell you I didn't like who I was looking at every morning in the mirror.

Now this blog today IS to share about how those issues were trying to eat me alive, as I am home alone for over a week and let me tell you extended periods of time alone for me are DANGEROUS!! 
I had a crying and a pretty harsh talk with the Lord this morning about everything I HATE in my life, mostly what I hate about me...I won't share everything but let me tell you in the past 3 days the enemy has thrown some pretty fiery darts at me to really get me to fall...and this afternoon I did.  I won't obviously say what it was, but let me tell you its an issue that I have not had any issues with for over 2 years but I believe because I allowed myself to be vulnerable and honest with the Lord the enemy had to find a new tactic...grr...really just makes me mad. NOW Im not gonna say he MADE me do anything but let me tell you he distracted me and now I will have to pay the consequence...but at the same time I am almost relieved that I have gotten to this bottom because I can start over...I've repented, I've shared my heart with the Lord and now I have nothing in the way of just going after him and that's it.

I am hoping that in this time that I might search and find some roots to why I think the way I do...find what has caused me to struggle with the same issues over and over and over and over...
Why am I never enough for people?
Why am I never truly accepted for ME?
Why do I feel I will be only accepted when I do stuff for people?
Why am I the one that seems to be on the outside of groups?
What about me makes people not want to truly be my friend?
Why don't I have dreams?
Why can't I dream? (for myself)
Why do I get overlooked?
Why do I let insecurity choke me in groups of people I don't know?


Some pretty deep stuff huh?  Yeah it's hard to breathe sometimes just thinking about it...but I truly long for freedom so I can really enjoy living...I just feel like I just exist to exist most of the time. In the words of a dear man I long for this: To be celebrated, not just tolerated...that how I feel, people just tolerate me and I don't know why...and wish for it to be different.  I NEED it to be different...I HAVE to have it different...

New Year, New ME

Well 2011 is here, how is it 2011 already?  Man the past 10 years have flown, where did they go?  

Well 2011 has started very well but a lot already packed into 18 days!!  It was wonderful that I got to start 2011 praying in the new year, and I started it alone and I think this is going to be a theme for 2011...I'm learning/seeing that I've leaned on people way too often and it keeps me from leaning on HIM!  But it really was a great thing to sit in my bed that night and pray and worship for the longest amount of time that I've done in a long time, I am usually a quick prayer and a self-centered prayer at that matter...not that I only pray stuff for ME but I do all the talking, God please do this for me, do this for them, open this, shut this, always asking please but I don't think I am really asking and I definately don't always wait for Him to answer.  SO that night I just took time to really just praise Him,  worship Him, thank Him, speak about His attributes and then I shut up, and I didn't end that time with a whole big download of what He had to say but I went to sleep really thinking I just had quality time with my best friend!!  It was incredible.  Now, I am in a fast and can I say I've done that again?  No but trust me, we've had time together and boy has it been quality because He's unlocking some pretty powerful, deep, but hard stuff!  And some of that hard stuff baby do I welcome, its about time I get some junk dealt with and I haven't had my finger on what needed to be dealt with, but I knew in my spirit that I did!!  SO that's what He has been doing and revealing.  I won't go into detail because I don't need the whole world knowing the inner parts of my heart and life, but I think that maybe if someone happens to stumble upon this and read it they might just know exactly what I talking about...


My entire life I have dealt with rejection, feeling inadquate, not pretty enough, not smart enough, popluar, you think it, I've probably thought it... because of these feelings I have operated in fear therefore I've never really tried many things because I have felt I couldn't do them because I didn't complete the checklist, so even if it was one tiny area, nope I couldn't try, I couldn't do it!! Man have I probably missed some big moments because of that...but because of my strengths (weaknesses at same time) I know that everything happens for a reason, but we do have a free-will, I chose to not take those routes...do I think life could've been a little easier?  HECK YES!  But then on the other side I know that the routes I did take, took me to some pretty important moments and experiences that I wouldn't trade...so does get me to today.  I've always thought that my thoughts of feeling afraid of things was the problem, but in the shower, (GOD's favorite spot to speak to me, probably because it's the only time I shut up, relax, stop and He can have my undivided attention! haha!!) He revealed to me that the root of those fears that I operate in is because I feel like I am not wanted. Period. No one. Wants. Me. WOW! I knew rejection was something that I just dealt with but I never really thought about the impact it really had on every area in my life.  Including my relationship with God, I was afraid that if I didn't do something right, that if He gave me a blessing and I messed up, He wouldn't want me and leave me and take it back.  Now in my head and my heart that this is a lie but when you operate in wounds (I know where the wound is from and the root as He revealed it, but that is the part I shall leave out) and then the bondage that comes from not dealing with the wound, your spirit just lives there until its dealt with.  So because I truly had not even been aware of the root I lived in the cycle over and over, and because of the season I've been in for the past 4 1/2 months, I has guided every step I have taken or not taken.  When you live there it's easy to take up a false identity, for me it was that I was JUST a nanny/babysitter, I had no other value than that, I could do nothing other than that, and if I failed or didn't do that, I'd have no place, no one would want me, no one really wanted to be my friend.  What an awful place to be, and what an awful thing I was placing upon the people in my life that I know DO LOVE ME and see me more than that, but as the saying goes, someone (something) tells you something for so long, you begin to just believe it, so I had been listening to Satan lie to me over and over and reflected that onto other situations and people along the way!! UGH, how do you not feel crappy after that?  Thankful there's grace and His grace is covering that, but I do have some asking for forgiveness from some people! :)

So now, I'm at a place where I have to change my outlook on life and really ask what filter am I looking through?  I have been this way for so long that I know this is not going to be an easy and short walk, but I am really ready to find out who I am, who God really made me, to find what fills my heart with passion more than ever before.  He is so good, that even as He is weeding and pruning He is filling my heart with such joy and excitement that I have not experienced in so long, so even in the unknowing and walking out I can be confident that HE is good and has my best interest only. 

I mentioned at the beginning that I feel a theme is alone, and I do believe thats true, I believe that I need to really just need to be alone with the ONE that only matters, if I can't see that HE wants me, how am I going to really believe that anyone else does?  I need to let Him work on what HE needs to so that He gets the glory!  But that doesn't mean I am going to isolate myself which I have a tendency to because its been easier to be alone so I don't have to put myself in a place to get rejected...not thats not a road I want to go down again...but I do know that I need to be surrounding myself with people who are seeking hard after Him, not just people who have fun or make me feel good, again I don't need to lean on people, because it brings hurt and unreasonable expectations...nope I just need to be around people that can inspire me to be the best vessel I can for HIM!!!

I could probably go on for hours but that's what my personal journal is for, haha!!  
But as I end this, I want to challenge you today, (even if its one person who reads this) that if God is leading you to deal with some junk or that even you feel like He's wanting to do something in you, be open and let Him, He might just reveal something to you that makes your whole life finally begin to make sense...I know I'm not fully there but I do know that it helps to know now why I think the way I do and how it affects everything in my life!! So ask the Lord today, what are you wanting to reveal to me that will reveal who YOU are in my life?  The answer might just be a game changer, a LIFE changer! :)


Love and blessings :)


~Kristy Lee

A Beautiful Process

Well this entry tonight I promise will not be as down and angry as the last one ;) and for my friend who thought he'd have to wait another year and a half for a new post, you shall be happy that you were wrong ;) to those that commented on the last one, thank you for your love and support, I am so grateful.

First I will have to say this these past two weeks since my last post have been hard, I have had lots of conversations with God, myself, friends, explaining that I have been lost and confused and angry that I don't know where I am going...its not been an easy two weeks thats for sure!!

But thankfully for some dear friends that have not let me walk this alone, I have gotten some great perspective and a picture of what has really been going on, and I can say its part of a beautiful process (thanks Shay for that wording, it has resinated in me!!)!


Even today the Lord used some friends to once again to confirm to me that He is proud of me for being obedient and trusting him, and one conversation came from someone I never even imagined it coming from, some prayers from 2 sweet friends and along with Pastor Robert's message made for a sweet morning!!


I had all of these thoughts about what I thought this process was supposed to look like and all of it was MY process not God's so...I am once again at a place of surrender, I don't want to be the child trying to get out of my daddy's arms to do what I want to do/feel I should be doing, I want Him to just hold me, love on me, sing over me, talk with me, and just hear His heart beat, and there I will find what He has for me.


My friend thanked Him today for this beautiful process He has me on, and as I was thinking on this thought this afternoon, He reminded me that I AM A BEAUTIFUL PROCESS!!!  My life has had lots of junk in it and I've been a mess, but HE has come to sculpt me into a beautiful piece of art in every area, and yes its a process until I am reunited with Him when He comes to take me home with Him, but in no means do I have to live this process as a broken, ugly mess as satan would like, but I can be beautiful as I am hearing Him, surrendering, and obeying Him!!  I have come a long way since first putting my life in His hands at the age of 8, and boy do I have a long way to go, but I am beautiful just the same ;)


So I will say this, that if you wonder what I am doing, or where I am going at the moment, I am right where my DADDY wants me, and thats in His arms, and that's the only place to be in this season! 


A few verses that have been a reminder for me that I shall leave you with tonight:

Psalm 34:8
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!

Psalm 34: 10
The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.


Psalm 34:22
The Lord redeems the soul of His servants.  And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.


Psalm 33:20, 21
Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.
For our hearts shall rejoice in Him, because we have trusted in His holy name.

God where are You?!!

Today I was hoping that since it was a "holiday" that I could take the day off and not really think about the reality all around me...I am unemployed and need a job, need to provide for my necessities, pay my bills, give my contribution to labor and taxes, etc...but even in the midst of laying around, running some errands and watching tv, the thoughts SCREAMED from my brain.  I tried to ignore them, and was justifying my day constantly, then my sweet and concerned roomie began to question me, and I began to feel attacked...began to shut down, how do I answer her questions when I haven't a clue how to answer them, where to begin, but explain that I've thought about all of these questions, and I have made effort, but all I can do is answer her with one word, NO or I don't know...and the whole time I'm asking in my head, God where are You?!!  My roomie was trying to be loving, and encouraging, and concerned, and I'm grateful for her, but today was one of those days that I just didn't want to hear or answer, when I really don't know the answers. It's so hard to explain to people where I am going, or planning on what I am doing, when I really haven't a clue...part of me wants to say "Ask God, because I don't know, I am only in this place because God told me to quit", but that seems like I am blaming God and by no means am I blaming Him, I just know that I heard Him say it was time to move on, and He is going to take care of me. That's all I have to go on right now, because it's all He has given me. I know He is stretching me and teaching me to REALLY trust Him in every area, but it's so hard because I feel like I am needing to reinvent myself for something I don't even know I am reinventing for.  

People just don't get when I say that I feel like I can't do anything, and how CRUSHING it is when I am looking at postings, and looking at REQUIREMENTS (not just what the job will be) and 99% of them I AM NOT qualified to even apply for, yet people say I just have to do it and try, put myself out there.  I know that people are only trying to help, but I am sorry it doesn't help me, it actually makes me feel worse, even as I write this I am brought to tears because it hurts.  Today I really feel like God is just forgetting about me, or laughing at me because of the dreams I have, saying, poor child, doesn't she know she can't do any of those things?  How sad is that, yet its the screaming echo in my head...you cant do anything, you will never succeed, you will never be happy, you will never...the list continues...

Truthfully, it was so very nice that while I was home, I didn't think about job searching at all, I focused on spending time with my sister, niece and nephew and what precious time that was, and reconnected with a dear friend, I am so glad that once again God proved that we are forever friends, my sweet time with my amazing friend who never ceases to make me laugh even at 1230 in the morning and confirms how He really did bring us together and kept us as friends, and a reunion of old childhood friends!  I have missed being able to spend time with people, being a nanny has taken so much of my time away from people, its nice having this time to do that.  Also having the time with my niece and nephew showed me how important my family really is to me, and how I must make them a priority in my life, which was one of my prayers when I left on my trip...but then that brought up even more screaming thoughts that I won't share, but leaves me again asking God where are You?!  

But even as I write this, I have another question that is asked in my heart as soon as I finish asking Him where He is, He is asking " Do you TRUST ME Kristy?" I want to think I am trusting Him, but I have everything in the natural saying that I need to be doing something, I need to have something tangible to hang on to, I must do this,  I must do that...so when I am praying I feel that strength, that excitement, that unknown but peace...but once I am not in that place, fear, doubt, the questions, the lies hit me...where do you go from there?  There's times where I go right back to the place where I say " I choose not to be weary, I choose not to listen to you Satan, I am going to rejoice and trust YOU God" but there's times like today, I just don't have it in me to fight back....I am being pretty open on my thoughts here (but ok, when am I not when I blog, ha?!) but today I just want to throw in the towel, to just give up, to run away...but I know I can't do that, and deep down I really don't want to.  But its hard...it's lonely...it's scary...it's ugly...it's reality...so God where are You? 

I know I have a purpose and know that everything is for a reason (hello, its why my number 1 strength is connectedness, lol) I am just struggling to find what that is.  I know that God has plans for me and He has only GOOD for me, its just hard to see right now...I know that I did what I was supposed to, and 99% of the time I don't regret leaving my job, but there's that 1% where I think it would have been easier to stay where I was...but I also know the freedom I have felt for the past 2 weeks and part of that freedom is because of complete obedience and nothing can replace that feeling of freedom!!!  So even when I am asking God where He is, I am knowing He is with me, because only true freedom comes from HIM and HIM alone!!!

SO, even among the fear, the tears, the pain, I will choose to Praise Him, Thank Him, Seek Him, Believe He is for me, not against me, Believe He means what He says, Believe that nothing is impossible for Him!!

A sad loss today

So I am going to write today because all I want to do is cry, and I hate crying, just makes me tired!

Today a dear old friend went to be with the Lord today after fighting cancer, and my heart is just sad.  I haven't been close with Jesse in over 5 yrs as we went different ways in life, but Jesse is one of those guys/friends that he was just as warm and funny like you had just seen him yesterday!  Jesse and I went to elementary school together, church functions, camps, etc...him and his best friend Jeremy are the two people I have the most memories of from my elementary school days, and today I just keep thinking of them and all I can do is laugh! 

Jesse even back then was a strong guy, he knew what he knew, what he wanted and didnt mess around, and the most important thing in his life was His faith!! Even in his last days, in my last conversation with him about 2 weeks ago He knew God was taking care of him and that things would be ok no matter what!!  Wow, even while he was in a hospital going through his last chemo treatment in a hospital in Indy while his wife was in Colorado he was optimistic and knew that even through this God would get the glory!  And God does get the Glory because Jesse was a warrior for Him and I have a feeling that the people at the hospital know God in a new way because of him!

It is sad as this is the first friend that I have known that has died, I did have a classmate die a few years ago but I did not know her well or have a friendship like I did with Jesse, so it's weird to think I know now someone close to me that is my age, that has passed away.  Jesse wasn't even 30 yet and he had just celebrated his first anniversary with his wife, I don't know her but my heart aches for her and her family and Jesse's family and what they will experience in the next few months and what Rochelle will feel for the rest of her life.  I don't deal with death well even for people I don't know, I can't imagine what it is to live with it everyday.  Have a friend who recently lost his brother and I can't even begin to know what to say or express to him, sometimes I feel so stupid even trying, and as I sent an email just sending my sympathy to Rochelle tonight I felt like nothing was right but still felt like I should send it...at least she knows she's covered in prayer!

Jesus has him in his hands and I know he is safe from all pain and he has been fully restored and he is worshipping the King right now which is amazing and he has gained ALL today, and even though the world has lost a friend and light for the kingdom, Jesus has him and there's no better thing!!

I miss my friend Jesse but so excited to see him again when I get to heaven!!

Also this past week a Hero in the Faith Mrs. Freda (Mom) Lindsay passed away, she was the Co-founder of Christ for the Nations.  What a woman she was, yes I have lots of memories of her asking us to support the school for a new building, a new school overseas, etc...but her faith in what she did never caved, she knew what God called and asked of her, her worship was so...cute...I loved watching this little (short) woman stand on the platform and clap or dance and knew her heart was tuned and only set on God!! CFNI has a great legacy, it started with Gordon's dream and she supported, sweated, walked it out and thousands of lives are forever changed by this woman, mine included!!!  My life (even in a bad season) at CFNI really was the best time for me, and I'll never forget how my life was impacted by my time there!!  Mrs. Lindsay, we who were touched by you carry on the legacy and we will bring Christ to the Nations :)

Ok that is all for today!  Goodnight!

Rejoice!

I'm just having one of those bad weeks and today is just a personal bad day...I didnt want to wake up but thankfully I did and I started the day listening to a seminar at church which was amazing but now I am having a full blown bad girl day.  In the past hour I've put on 6 shirts on, 3 pairs of pants, tried flatironing my hair and I still am feeling ugly and fat...because my roomie is gone, I've screamed 3 times, slammed doors, etc...just mad...why do you ask, I havent a clue!  I have actually had a bad attitude since wed, mostly because of work but today its all inward...I really hate days when I am hating myself, it takes every ounce in me to look at myself from a different perspective, aka God's perspective.  And even as I write that I'm not there...I don't even want to try to be honest, yes this shall pass and probably in a little bit but I needed to just vent for a few mins...so I shall send this out and work it out...