The Father's Heart

Ah, a day off from work in the middle of the week is fantastic!!! :) Im sitting here with my itunes playing, finishing my lifegroup material, going over my spending report to figure out how Im going to pay for a new car :) and about to spend a little time with the Father, but thought Id write a little first =)

So much is going on in my head these days, I feel like its spinning sometimes...not necessarily a bad spinning, but some stress there for sure.

I see God placing some big things on my plate these days, and its been great to experience some of what Gods calling on my life is...but its scary because I tend to still hold cards to my chest and whip them out and be like: (enter in conversation between God and I) remember God I did this, I said this, I went here, I;'m such a bad christian, couldn't possibly want to give me that, have me do THAT!! Lord there's so much I struggle with, so much I have held on to and not giving YOU control...how could you possibly want me?!! I really hate playing these situations back in my head, reminds me of how much I have to learn, experience, surrender...but then it always gets me to the place where slowly one thing at a time is getting laid down before HIM and I get another piece of the puzzle filled and its AMAZING!!! I'm truly in AWE when I think back on what God has done in my life, where my whole life is a testimony to his grace and mercy!! I have been given so much in these areas, Im finally learning to really sit back and see it all, I wish sometimes you could really get it while in the moment because you would look for it so much more, but being a co-leader now in lifegroup has really shown me and teaching me to really look for it more in the everyday things!

Speaking of lifegroup, I am totally blown away by what God has done in the 5 weeks since we began meeting. I wasn't really sure what to expect because it was mostly people that I know pretty well and I wasn't sure what God was going to do with me being in a position of leadership, but boy was I not ready (in a good way)!! Tonight is the 5th week and our group has grown from 5 to 12 and all 12 of us have such awesome and unique stories that are just beginning to come out, we all are different in so many ways, but its been awesome to see more sides of everyone and really being able to share the power of God in our lives. There's no doubt that the people I hang out with have loved the Lord and know him, but sometimes we get so focused on having fun together, laughing, eating, just doing FUN stuff we tend to forget the real reason we were brought together to be friends, and thats to grow and encourage one another in the FATHER. To have this outlet with the girls now is a different playing field and I'm so honored to have a seat and watch it play out. There's girls who have gone through so much pain, loss, confusion, and unique situations, and yet they are so strong and beautiful, I am so in AWE of how God does it...all I can say is Im blessed to know these woman and so excited to see where God takes us next...

Im glad I can just blab on and on...theres something about writing for me that really is cleansing...who will read this i dont know, what will they think...i really dont care :) not to be offensive because I do want to know what people are thinking not necessarily about MY feelings but what I write, what does it make THEM feel, think about...you know the deal =) if I didnt really care I wouldnt share, I know I have a voice and a heart to touch people, a big HEART of GOD...

That brings me to a summer night in Aug I believe of 06, I was attending the last summer gathering at a friends house when NEXUS at Gateway was still active...we were done singing The Stand by Hillsong and it was quiet and we were just praying and I got a word from the Lord and had to write it down, I go back to it frequently and just as I wrote HEART of GOD he brought it back to mind...sometimes I wonder why I CARE so much about what people think, feel, going through, how in times when I am very low the Lord will bring people that need me and somehow I am able to reach out and extend, care, love, compassion, etc...and the reason I am able to is how the Lord told me: "Your love and compassion comes from my own heart, you are my daughter, therefore you know your FATHER and His heart because you have it." What a thought!! I have my FATHER's heart!!! And because I know it, and I have it, I can give it to others...what a miracle that is!!! I am not perfect by any means and dont try to come off like I know more or I am better, and it hurts sometimes when people dont really see my heart behind why I do certain things...my ultimate desire is to be Godly, show and extend love, grace, mercy, joy, compassion, all the attributes that my Heavenly Father has and has given to me!!

There are areas where I struggle deeply and areas that I need to grow more in, and if theres that opportunity where I can help people as well I want to share that...in no means if I have done this in a way that didnt communicate that, I am sorry to you who I may have hurt!! I am human and sometimes can be judgemental and dont mean to be but its a quality that I know is ugly and most of the time my intention isnt to be but could be taken that way, so I pray that God would reveal to me the times that this could be the case and to not do it again...but to those who might read this and you did take it as an offense, my deepest, sincerest apologizes! My heart is only to do what the FATHER's heart is!!!

Ok, so I dont know where all that came from and Im sorry if it became too long and rambled...just typing from my heart (does that make sense? haha).

That is it from this REAL me today!!

I pray all that read this are well and will take a moment to ask the LORD so show them HIS heart today in a situation in their life!!

Loved from Him!