God where are You?!!

Today I was hoping that since it was a "holiday" that I could take the day off and not really think about the reality all around me...I am unemployed and need a job, need to provide for my necessities, pay my bills, give my contribution to labor and taxes, etc...but even in the midst of laying around, running some errands and watching tv, the thoughts SCREAMED from my brain.  I tried to ignore them, and was justifying my day constantly, then my sweet and concerned roomie began to question me, and I began to feel attacked...began to shut down, how do I answer her questions when I haven't a clue how to answer them, where to begin, but explain that I've thought about all of these questions, and I have made effort, but all I can do is answer her with one word, NO or I don't know...and the whole time I'm asking in my head, God where are You?!!  My roomie was trying to be loving, and encouraging, and concerned, and I'm grateful for her, but today was one of those days that I just didn't want to hear or answer, when I really don't know the answers. It's so hard to explain to people where I am going, or planning on what I am doing, when I really haven't a clue...part of me wants to say "Ask God, because I don't know, I am only in this place because God told me to quit", but that seems like I am blaming God and by no means am I blaming Him, I just know that I heard Him say it was time to move on, and He is going to take care of me. That's all I have to go on right now, because it's all He has given me. I know He is stretching me and teaching me to REALLY trust Him in every area, but it's so hard because I feel like I am needing to reinvent myself for something I don't even know I am reinventing for.  

People just don't get when I say that I feel like I can't do anything, and how CRUSHING it is when I am looking at postings, and looking at REQUIREMENTS (not just what the job will be) and 99% of them I AM NOT qualified to even apply for, yet people say I just have to do it and try, put myself out there.  I know that people are only trying to help, but I am sorry it doesn't help me, it actually makes me feel worse, even as I write this I am brought to tears because it hurts.  Today I really feel like God is just forgetting about me, or laughing at me because of the dreams I have, saying, poor child, doesn't she know she can't do any of those things?  How sad is that, yet its the screaming echo in my head...you cant do anything, you will never succeed, you will never be happy, you will never...the list continues...

Truthfully, it was so very nice that while I was home, I didn't think about job searching at all, I focused on spending time with my sister, niece and nephew and what precious time that was, and reconnected with a dear friend, I am so glad that once again God proved that we are forever friends, my sweet time with my amazing friend who never ceases to make me laugh even at 1230 in the morning and confirms how He really did bring us together and kept us as friends, and a reunion of old childhood friends!  I have missed being able to spend time with people, being a nanny has taken so much of my time away from people, its nice having this time to do that.  Also having the time with my niece and nephew showed me how important my family really is to me, and how I must make them a priority in my life, which was one of my prayers when I left on my trip...but then that brought up even more screaming thoughts that I won't share, but leaves me again asking God where are You?!  

But even as I write this, I have another question that is asked in my heart as soon as I finish asking Him where He is, He is asking " Do you TRUST ME Kristy?" I want to think I am trusting Him, but I have everything in the natural saying that I need to be doing something, I need to have something tangible to hang on to, I must do this,  I must do that...so when I am praying I feel that strength, that excitement, that unknown but peace...but once I am not in that place, fear, doubt, the questions, the lies hit me...where do you go from there?  There's times where I go right back to the place where I say " I choose not to be weary, I choose not to listen to you Satan, I am going to rejoice and trust YOU God" but there's times like today, I just don't have it in me to fight back....I am being pretty open on my thoughts here (but ok, when am I not when I blog, ha?!) but today I just want to throw in the towel, to just give up, to run away...but I know I can't do that, and deep down I really don't want to.  But its hard...it's lonely...it's scary...it's ugly...it's reality...so God where are You? 

I know I have a purpose and know that everything is for a reason (hello, its why my number 1 strength is connectedness, lol) I am just struggling to find what that is.  I know that God has plans for me and He has only GOOD for me, its just hard to see right now...I know that I did what I was supposed to, and 99% of the time I don't regret leaving my job, but there's that 1% where I think it would have been easier to stay where I was...but I also know the freedom I have felt for the past 2 weeks and part of that freedom is because of complete obedience and nothing can replace that feeling of freedom!!!  So even when I am asking God where He is, I am knowing He is with me, because only true freedom comes from HIM and HIM alone!!!

SO, even among the fear, the tears, the pain, I will choose to Praise Him, Thank Him, Seek Him, Believe He is for me, not against me, Believe He means what He says, Believe that nothing is impossible for Him!!